“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6:12
“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” I Peter 5:8
I was raised in a Baptist church, and my family was in attendance every time the doors were open. When I hit pre-school age, my parents enrolled me in a Christian school, and from age 3 until I completed 9th grade (and transferred to public school), my education – math, science, English, history – revolved around the Bible.
I received Jesus as my savior when I was in first or second grade, and I was baptized in the church a few years later. Both of my parents were heavily involved in church and school activities. In all aspects of life, I was pointed to Jesus daily.
That’s why it never made sense to me that, as a Christian, I felt a disconnection from God most of my life. When people around me talked about hearing from God or being led by God, I couldn’t relate.
I mean, on paper, I checked all the right boxes, but in reality I didn’t experience His presence or His voice like they did. Looking back, I think this was because I somehow missed out on what I now believe is the most important piece of information you should receive after you accept Jesus Christ as your savior: You have to have a personal relationship with God.
Between the disconnect I felt and the church hurt I experienced, it was very easy to grow numb to what I knew I was missing. Yes, I was a Christian, and yes, I loved God, but I loved the things of the world more.
And that’s why Satan left me alone for so long.
Somewhere along the way, I accepted the lie that I wasn’t good enough for God to talk to or lead into ministry and turned to the world for my happiness, and when that happened, I was not considered a threat to Satan’s plans to wreak havoc. By ignoring God, I was one less redemption-cloaked warrior Satan had to worry about.
Even though I couldn’t see Him or hear Him or experience Him, I never stopped believing in God. I had one foot in the world and one foot in “religion” when what I needed was both feet firmly planted in a personal relationship with God. Satan used my ignorance over needing that personal relationship to keep me stagnant. Every time I thought about going to church, the idea of finding one was overridden by the memory of church hurt. So I told myself the lie I hear so many people tell themselves: you don’t have to go to church to worship God.
There were times when the Holy Spirit broke through that haze I was walking in and reminded me of my roots in Papa God and my need to find a church to attend. Back in 2017, my husband and I actually started attending a church in Columbus, Ohio, that we really liked. It was my first time going to a church where I could feel God’s presence in the room every single Sunday. That’s when my Prodigal Redemption began. That’s when God started bringing beauty from my ashes, bringing my dry bones of faith to life.
So imagine how annoyed I was – and how much Satan enjoyed the show – when my husband and I transferred back to West Virginia for employment in 2018. I was so frustrated. How many years did it take me to walk into a church and find peace? To find God there waiting for me? And then, He plucks us up and moves us.
So there we were, back in West Virginia, and I was missing that church. We visited several, but it just wasn’t the same. That frustration grew and grew, bursting through the seams and allowing space for those old thoughts to come back: “I don’t really have to go to church on Sunday. I can love God from home.”
I don’t remember when we first visited River Ridge Church, but knowing what I know now, I’m sure Satan went on alert the minute we pulled into the parking lot. By fall 2023, I was attending regularly. The more I went, the more I loved everything about it: the worship service, the messages, the sanctuary where I could feel God’s presence.
It was a Sunday in October 2023 that God spoke directly to my heart. That morning in church, one of the staff members announced that the church would have a baptism service in a few weeks, and if anyone was interested in being baptized, they should reach out to Pastor Jay.
Get baptized.
Those were the words that went through me.
It wasn’t an ask.
It wasn’t a suggestion.
It was a commandment from God.
I was skeptical at first because why wouldn’t I be? I had never heard Him speak so clearly to me before. Besides, I had been baptized when I was little. Could you be baptized again?
I don’t know if it was that day or a few days later, but I went out to my God spot on our property to talk to God about this. Just because I was going back to church, it didn’t mean I was doing good enough as a Christian to make a bold, public statement about my faith. What if I failed? When I backslid – because surely I would – all those witnesses would know. And surely they would judge me.
Looking back, I see that as the first arrow shot in that battle of spiritual warfare. The tip was poisoned with the sentiment of “You’re not good enough.”
Thank you, Jesus, that we don’t have to be good enough because we will never be good enough on our own. That’s why Jesus died on the cross – He is the only one good enough, and He stepped in to be good enough for us. But I didn’t recognize that at the time. All I could see were all my past failures as a Christian.
Out at the spot, Papa God repeated His commandment.
Get baptized.
So, I reached out to Pastor Jay and signed up.
And that’s when the real assault began.
Supernatural knives stabbing at my unworthiness, tearing me open to expose the fear of being an imposter. Arrows ripping through the scars on my heart left from church hurt. Swords slashing at my physical health, causing nausea, anxiety and a fear that kept me up at night because what if I backslid again? I could not fail, and the anxiety over avoiding what felt like a certainty was like a poison spreading through me and weakening me, assigning me to certain defeat before I even began.
The closer I got to the baptism service on November 5, the worse the physical impact got. I pushed it all away as long as I could, but the Sunday before the baptism, I reached my breaking point. I woke up that Sunday morning and was such a physical mess that I couldn’t make myself go to church. I went in my home office and started cleaning, trying to get my mind off of what was happening internally. I found myself sitting in the middle of the floor, my head in my hands, crying and praying. What was wrong with me? Why was this happening?
Spiritual warfare.
The answer came so easily, and it made so much sense, even though I had never experienced anything like that before. Satan did not want me to get baptized.
He did not want me to take that step because he knew better than me what it would lead to. He knew being submerged and raised back up in the baptistry as a public profession of my faith and my choice to follow Jesus would be the first step in a new chapter for me, a chapter centered on trusting God and telling others constantly about what I see God doing every day and how I believe He is doing good even when He’s silent. Especially when He’s silent.
Desperate for help, I met with Pastor Jay after the second service that day to share with him what was going on, and he covered me in prayer. I’m grateful for Pastor Jay’s friendship, but more than that, I’m so grateful he was there that day to counsel me.
That was the day I dug in my heels, determined to be re-baptized no matter. I knew enough to know that if Satan was trying to stop it, it had to happen.
The next Saturday night – the night before the baptism – those physical attacks started again. I randomly threw my back out late in the evening. Then I woke up sick at my stomach and found that I had somehow lost my voice. I had plenty of excuses that morning to skip church and the baptism, but I was not giving in. By the time I made it to church, my stomach and back were both fine. And who needs a voice when you’re making a public declaration of faith through action anyway?
There are zero regrets about any of it. In fact, I’m so grateful for that day and for all the things that led up to it. And I’m grateful to God for waiting for me through all those years to turn back to Him. I’m grateful His grace is sufficient for the times I ignored Him and for the times I made excuses and for the many years I held Him at arms’ length.
As Pastor Matt was raising me back up out of the water, I remember this sensation I had, though it’s hard to put into words. As I was coming back up out of the water, I felt the water roll back, over and away from me, like the path was clearing. It felt like a rebirth. Like a brand-new start.
Because it was.
In the two years that followed my baptism, I went on my first mission trip to McDowell County, WV, and became a Sunday school volunteer for K-3rd grades and a door greeter, which is my favorite volunteer activity. I also joined the prayer team, which led to becoming a prayer counselor for folks who want to pray after services on Sunday. Being a prayer counselor is definitely one of those things I felt unworthy of and unqualified for, but it’s been an amazing experience.
This year, I’ll be the team lead for that same mission trip to McDowell County, WV. And the biggest news of all is that in January, I accepted a part-time position with the church to help start a new ministry under Family Services.
Me. A church staff member, helping plan and launch a new ministry, when a year ago I specifically remember thinking how awesome it would be to work at the church but that I would never be “good enough.”
Me. Leading a mission trip to Southern West Virginia to serve others and love others and share Jesus.
Me. Volunteering in roles to welcome people who are nervous about going to a new church like I once was and praying with people who feel lost like I once did.
It’s no wonder Satan didn’t want me to get baptized. He knew I would say yes to every opportunity to serve God. He knew I would pursue God with everything I have – there was no reason to worry about failure. Yes, I still struggle with sin every day like everyone else, but I lean into the fact that God’s grace is greater than my sin. He doesn’t call me a failure or turn His back on me when I mess up. In fact, He helps me grow and do better.
Satan knew I was going to come up out of that baptistry with a faith on fire.
The spiritual warfare didn’t end with my baptism. I still have my moments of feeling like an imposter and feeling unworthy. Past memories of church experiences still sneak into my head sometimes and make me doubt people and their intentions. I still hear Satan whisper in my ear that I’m not good enough, reminding me of my inadequacies and trying to sell me on why I don’t belong in leadership roles at the church. He uses busyness to distract me from reading my Bible and spending time in prayer like I should. But Satan isn’t winning this war. God’s mercies are new every day, and every day I try my best to follow Jesus, love others and share the Good News. Besides, we know Who will be victorious in the end. As the song says, “If it’s not good, then it’s not over yet.”
If you’re feeling disconnected from God like I was, I have three pieces of advice for you.
The first is, whether you want to hear it or not, go to church and open your heart to Papa God. You can sit in the back row and be the last one in and the first one out for the service. You don’t have to talk to anyone. Just be there with God and let Him talk to you. Let Him begin His good work of healing in you. I didn’t believe healing from church hurt was possible, and I have experienced it myself. He is the Great Physician, and He can do anything.
The second is to immerse yourself in things that will draw you closer to God and keep your mind on Him.
- One of the first things I did was set my car radio to K-Love. I did it out of obligation at first, but now that is my go-to station. I love listening to worship music, but I used to avoid it because it was “boring.” (Have you listened to Tauren Wells or Brandon Lake or Phil Wickham? Nothing boring there!)
- I also watched “The Chosen.” If you have not watched that series, get on it right now. I’m serious.
- Also, start reading that Bible. When I told God I wanted to be closer to Him, He told me to read my Bible. I snarled my nose because it was not fun to read, and He said, “Do it anyway.” I started at Matthew 1 doing a chapter a day. And you know what? Watching “The Chosen” starting with Season 1 and reading the New Testament really helped the Bible come alive.
- Use daily devotion books to get you going with your Bible reading. Lysa TerKeurst is a great auther, and I’ve heard great things about Tara-Leigh Cobble’s Bible Recap program to read the Bible in a year. She has a companion podcast you can listen too along with the readings or, if you’re just getting started, just listen to the podcast.
- Find faith-based podcasts (I like “Whoa, That’s Good” and “Bible Recap”), and follow Christian content creators on Facebook and Instagram. Surround yourself with musical and theatrical and creative fingers pointing to God all the time.
The thirdis to look up and look for Him. Expect Him to move and then watch. You’ll see things that happen around you and pieces fit together and crazy good stuff happen – stuff only He can do. When I started looking and trying to connect the dots – guys, it will blow your mind. And it will feed your faith. I used to feel bad that my faith in God answering my prayers was so weak, but I didn’t feel like I deserved it or my needs were as important as others. And would He really do it? Do miracles still really happen today? YES. It took me seeing Him stop every single hurricane from making landfall last year for me to fully know how capable and loving and faithful God is to each and every one of us. (That will make more sense if you read “…She’d See God Move Mountains.”)
Song for This Week
“Take It All Back” by Tauren Wells
“I’m calling the angels down
I’m storming the gates of hell
Tell the devil he don’t own my soul
I’m taking back what the enemy stole”
“Battle Belongs” by Phil Wickham
“When all I see is the battle, You see my victory
When all I see is the mountain, You see a mountain moved
And as I walk through the shadow, Your love surrounds me
There’s nothing to fear now for I am safe with You”
“Get Behind Me” by Emerson Day
“The same power that raised my Savior
Is the power that lives in me
So, if you wanna pick a fight, you better think twice
‘Cause He’s got an angel army”
Little Did She Know 